Safe words. The heart and sole of BDSM.
The thing you have to understand is that I am not powerless in my relationship. The truth is I have ALL the power, if I want it(which I definitely don’t). I submit to my partner. I obey his orders and follow his lead. But I can, whenever I want to, take complete control of any situation with the utterance of a single word.
And I want to point out early that in our Dynamic, safe words apply ANYWHERE. I suffer social anxiety, while Master can be anyone’s best mate 3 minutes after meeting them. This means I end up in a lot of social situations where I don’t necessarily feel comfortable, and if I want to, I can safe word. Nothing dramatic, I’ll just use my “Discomfort” word in a sentence and Master will instantly respond. He’ll remove me from the situation, spend time with me or whatever is required. No matter what is happening, no matter what he is doing, he will drop everything until I feel safe.
Afterwards, He’ll thank me for using a safe word. He always does.
For Master, safe words are holy, and he believes that his compliance to them is what gives him the right to call himself a Dom. Not safe wording when I need to would be one of the worst sins I could commit. As he always says “I have to trust you not to turn me into a date rapist”.
He still chuffs about how hard teaching me to safe word was. I had everything backward. I’d assumed, like a lot of Submissive do, that stopping my Dom doing what he wants is a bad thing, that I’d be letting him down. I’m ashamed to admit that it took YEARS of work for me to really understand what he was saying and that I should just be honest.
He would constantly explain that until he could trust me to safe word when I needed to, he had to curtail what he could do with me and go extremely slowly. It’s important to note that he was in no way disappointed in me about this and never rushed me. Part of what makes him a man worth submitting too is that he ENJOYS problems. Rather than frustrating him with having to go slow, he enjoyed working through the problem with me and believes that it brings us closer. He is absolutely right, of course.
But I, of course, got it wrong! I started safe wording when I DIDN’T need to, just to prove to him I would… it’s ok though. Eventually the message got through.
Complete. Total. Honesty. No trying to impress him, no games. I safe word when I need to (extremely rare) and just relax when I don’t!
It’s an important lesson for any submissive. You owe your Dom total and complete honesty, and you owe it to yourself as well.
Don’t no something you don’t want to do. Do everything that you do want to do!
Just to finish up – Here is my list of safe words and how they work. It’s a simple system and works great. I’ll also do an article shortly on the safe word protocols he has in place if I am gagged and unable to move or speak!
Orange: Orange just means I am experiencing discomfort of some kind and need the intensity lowered. When I “Orange” Master will lower the intensity of what he is doing while verballing telling me what he is changing. Afterwards he debriefs me and explains how happy he is I safeworded.
Red: Red is the stop light. It means I longer want to continue the activity. When I “Red” master will verbally acknowledge the safe word while ending the scene as rapidly as possible. If I am restrained he will release me as quickly as possible while not damaging ropes or equipment. I should add that all masters restraints are tied to be able to easily free limbs with a tug on a tag. Afterwards he debriefs me and explains how happy he is I safe worded. Using “red” usually carries a reward (coffee and icecream for Bunny).
Blue: Blue is the panic button. I’ve never used it. It’s designed for intense Shibari scenes. It basically means I need to be free NOW. Master, like all good Doms, keeps several pairs of Paramedic scissors handy during Shibari scenes and would immediately cut me free. Even though I’ve never used this safe word, before any intense Shibari he explains exactly what he will do if I “Blue” during the scene vs “Red” during a scene. It’s worth noting he also goes through the procedure I need to know to free myself if he were to drop dead during the scene, he’ll often make me practise doing so.
So that’s how it works for us. You can do it differently, it’s your dynamic after all, but remember that safe words are a right and responsibility that EVERYONE involved in BDSM share. They are also a vital tool in ensuring your scenes are fun and enjoyable and everyone feels free and safe to find and push those edges.
Have fun out there.
Safe words. The heart and sole of BDSM.